A night in my sleepless-ish life

I need sleep. It's true, I need sleep, as much sleep as I can get. Which happens to not be much. 

My two older kids both slept through the night at 3 months old. They both slept from 8 pm until 4-5 am which was right at the time I had to get up to get ready for work. It was awesome! So, naturally, I assumed the same from Miss Charlie girl. No can do, says Charlie. Here we are at 7 months still waking and fussing all night. I've given in to the pacifier. Which has worked WONDERS. But she still wakes and needs a helping hand putting it back in her mouth. And then there's Mr. Ben...Ohhh Mr. Ben, you are loved for sure. Ben has been waking up between 2 and 4 am to sleep with me. This normally would not be a problem, however, at this point he has already gone pee and not in the toilet. So, sometimes, I get up, change him, change the blankets and sit next to him until I think he is asleep. Then he continues to come back toward my room and we repeat the sit and wait a couple times. Some may be wondering where my husband is. Well,eventually my husband gets up sends him to his room and Ben is never heard from again. But poor Ben I think, then I quickly remember I'm tired so I try to close my eyes, just in time for my alarm to go off. Ugh! I need sleep!

Oh and just to add to the fun, I'll be on a 24 hour duty on Thursday. 

They definitely don't want you sleeping there. 

This is my unamused, still needing sleep look. 

Mother's Day Essay Contest (A little late, but wanted to share)

I have been a mother for almost 2 years now. My daughter was born on May 9th, the day before Mother's Day in 2009. She was late, all I could say was she better not be born on my anniversary, May 8th, selfish me. I recently entered another contest asking when motherhood begins. For me it was the moment I finally let go of myself and accepted everything I didn't want to accept about my beautiful little baby. A little back story, I wanted a boy, they said I was having a girl, I wanted her to come early, she came a week late, I wanted to be gushed over, the midwives dutifully took my vitals, asked if I had questions and sent me on my way. Then she was born, we had a name, I had a baby, but it wasn't real yet. I didn't feel like I really wanted her. My mom looked happier than me, but it's my baby. Then it hits me, a wave of emotions that still make me cry to this day. Years ago, after giving birth to a healthy boy and years before my time, my mom got pregnant again. She knew she was going to have a girl. She named her girl. She was already a mom from her first son, but this girl was the icing so to speak. Then, weeks later, on a toilet, on Mothers Day she miscarries. Unable to flush, unable to let go of her little girl for a good while. For years she resented Mother's Day. She would smile politely as the five of us brought her breakfast in bed, eat some and then usher us out so she could mourn her first lost, her first girl. Now, here at the hospital, my mom's oldest living daughter, has given her back joy for Mother's Day. I have joined the ranks of motherhood. I am grateful and appreciative of the gift that God has blessed my entire family with and that is the birth of my daughter. I am her mother. I was her mother the second my husbands little swimmer made it to my egg. But I didn't really accept it until I realized the victory that I had attained by carrying this beautiful baby girl for 41 weeks and presenting her to my mom. My first mothers day was less than 48 hours after giving birth. And it was the best Mother's Day ever, because this was the weekend that I became a mom and finally knew what my mom felt in her attachment to her first baby girl. And now my baby girl has forever changed Mother's Day back to a day of gratitude for my mom. Atleast I like to think so.
All that to say this, Motherhood for me really began in the realization that a woman is a woman until she accepts everything that comes with the child that she is carrying or bears. Accepting possible loss, accepting gender, accepting due date and birth date differences and accepting the nasty goopiness of fresh newborn. Motherhood, has changed me in ways that I could never have imagined years ago. I am less self centered. I am more, patient. I am independent, but happily tied down. I watch passers by more carefully than I did on my first deployment to Iraq. Motherhood has made me and continues to make me. My husband deployed 3 months after our daughter was born and I continued to work and care for her. I couldn't tell you how many times I cried. Or how many hardships we had through out that year. But every time I considered breaking down or giving up, I knew I couldn't, I was in the middle of the most important 24/7 job of my life, Motherhood.